Tough Love by a Pilot
Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kid when he had one of 'those moments.'
Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration of the engine or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, IPod, or etc.
Either way, my kid usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son just in case you would like to use the technique. It also works well in cars.
The Lighter Side of Life too
Enjoy reading about the lighter side of life too. Back to The Lighter Side of Life.
Be sure to read the entire warning sign.
Bad News Bears
Why Rain Barrel Was Empty Every Day
The people living in Colorado Springs who wondered why their rain water barrel was almost empty every day. They set up a couple of cameras and caught..... see below.
mystery solved ...
Blonde Joke
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 p.m. news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5:00 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
WHY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well.....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls.. They consume all his thoughts, and he sleeps like a baby.
Fable of the porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because
of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided
to group together. This way they covered and protected
themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest
companions even though they gave off heat to each other.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one
from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of
their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely,
they decided to go back to being together. This way they
learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the
close relationship with their companion, but the most
important part of it, was the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.
Moral of the story:
The best relationship is not the one that brings
together perfect people, but the best is when each individual
learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire
the other person's good qualities.
In other words.....The Moral of the story !
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.
When you have a 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!
Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!
Below, these classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while and was hell to clean up.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, Got married last month... and discovered Wife knows everything.
Our Beloved Seniors
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A WINTER STATISTIC
98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM OREGON AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'
Cletus and Billy Bob
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off, first,
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
[Don't make me 'splain this to you!]
Disclaimer: I believe the original author is now a divorced male.
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, You probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best way how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really!
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL.
You have enough clothes and you have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
This Banner was hung in front of a tavern.
Must see Videos....
Law enforcement officers have been approached by a lot of people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab.
Here is a picture of four Labs. I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab. I hope this helps.
Scroll Down
These ads would never make it to the printing press today.
We've come a long way baby.
Click on picture tile to open advertisements
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR LIPSTICK!
Why would you even ask me that? I am so insulted!
Every time something goes missing around here,
everybody looks at me!
The polite way to excuse yourself to go pee
During one of her daily classes,
a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked one of her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once
and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine
who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"
Must see Videos....
I took my 66-year-old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
While we were eating, I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The girl had spiked hair in all different colors – purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, and red.
My dad kept staring at her.
Meanwhile, the girl kept looking at us and would find my dad staring every time.
When she had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. I just knew he would have a good one!
In classic style, without batting an eyelid, he responded:
“Got stoned once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.”
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
*****************************************************Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your plane!"
******************************************************Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy..
*****************************************************Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
*****************************************************Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
******************************************************Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
*****************************************************Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
*****************************************************Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
*****************************************************Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Wow!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
*****************************************************
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
The Fruitcake Lady
The Green Thing--You have to Love This
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please share this with another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
The Green Thing
Fawn Rescue
See video at right >>
On the Morning of May 18th 2011 my wife noticed a deer in our yard that appeared to be franticly looking for something in the rocks that form a wall on property line in Brush Prairie WA. When we first went out with our neighbors, we didn't see anything but the deer wouldn't leave our yard. We went back to our house and watched after a few minutes the deer came back.
We went out to the area the deer was concentrating on and could hear a baby fawn crying in the rocks. We moved some of the rocks and smaller boulders and saw baby fawn's face in the rocks. He had apparently fallen in our crawled in through one of the gaps and was now trapped. The larger boulders were too heavy to move and we didn't want to have the rocks cave in on the baby deer.
We finally called our Clark County Fire District 3. The B Shift team came out and they were able to move the larger rocks out of the way with the Jaws of Life enough to be able to reach in a pull the baby fawn out and reunited it with its momma. The fawn was probably stuck in their most of the night quickly went on to nurse off its momma. One of our neighbors took some video clips of the fire department's rescue. I edited the clips into this short clip. After sharing it with some friend they thought that it was just too cute not to share with more people so my neighbor agreed to let me upload the final clip.
Hans Klok The Divas of Magic - 10 Illusions in 5 Minutes
How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car keys"?
I say when your dog has this look on his face! A picture is worth a 1000 words!!!
Irony
Drinking Safety
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends
Parking ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Scottish wisdom:
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.
1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
Fawn Rescue
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In
fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither
one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
21. Always drink upstream from the herd.
MEANING OF SELFLESS LOVE
James Crane worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center. He is blind so he has a golden retriever named Daisy.
After the plane hit 20 stories below, James knew that he was doomed, so he let Daisy go, out of an act of love. She darted away into the darkened hallway.
Choking on the fumes of the jet fuel and the smoke James was just waiting to die. About 30 minutes later, Daisy comes back along with James' boss, who Daisy just happened to pick up on floor 112.
On her first run of the building, she leads James, James' boss, and about 300 more people out of the doomed building. But she wasn't through yet, she knew there were others who were trapped. So, highly against James' wishes she ran back in the building.
On her second run, she saved 392 lives. Again she went back in. During this run, the building collapses. James hears about this and falls on his knees into tears.
Against all known odds, Daisy makes it out alive, but this time she is carried by a firefighter. "She led us right to the people, before she got injured" the fireman explained.
Her final run saved another 273 lives. She suffered acute smoke inhalation, severe burns on all four paws, and a broken leg, but she saved 967 lives. Daisy is the first civilian Canine to win the Medal of Honor of New York City.
I hope you enjoyed this story. I thought it was terrific.
Pass it on to all animal lovers ... Remember love is to be shared to be multiplied.
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. What makes up 100% in life?
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Not to make it all political, BUT this is how the numbers work out;
Democrat4+5+13+15+3+18+1+20 = 79%
4+5+13+15+3+18+1+20 = 79%Republican18+5+16+21+2+12+9+3+1+14 = 101%
18+5+16+21+2+12+9+3+1+14 = 101%Tea Party20+5+1+16+1+18+20+25 = 106%
20+5+1+16+1+18+20+25 = 106%I am not certain what this all means. Either the Democrats are not doing enough at 79% or it takes a lot of Bullshit and Asskissing for the Republicans and Tea Party to get the job done.
Colonoscopy Journal:
(this is long but well worth the time)
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep...
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
SUMBICH!
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ. At the height of the party, The host said, 'I have a 10 foot Man-eating gator in my pool And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' No thanks, I don't want it,'
Answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
*********************************************************************************
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland, Australia:
A police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood
pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few meters, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
******************************************************************************
Things you didn't know you didn't know
* Everyday more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
* Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
* Coca-Cola was originally green.
* It is impossible to lick your elbow.
* The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska * The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
* The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400 * The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000 * Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
* The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
* The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
* Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
The best lawyer story . . . bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Things to remember...
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by t he bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
The Old Pecan Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Surgeon's Humor
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There have no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable!”
BIRDS
Life is for the BIRDS...and for us to enjoy. The simple pleasures of natures great wonders. Enjoy.
Life from the seat of a tractor
An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by......
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”
“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”
“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”
“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”
“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”
“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”
“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”
“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”
“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”
“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”
“Every path has a few puddles.”
“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”
“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”
“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”
“Don't judge folks by their relatives.
“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”
“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”
“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”
“Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”
“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”
“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”
“Always drink upstream from the herd.”
“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”
“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”
“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”
“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”
“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”
***************************************************
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men crawled in the tent and fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole the tent.'
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
· "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without anyaddress on it?" - Mark Twain
· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Irene. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Irene to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Irene. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
John
EDITOR'S NOTE:
John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated colon. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Irene, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when theyare right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half anhour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given fivemore minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This meanssomething, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothingusually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you arean idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguingwith you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements awomen can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hardbefore deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is notthanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What'swrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Redneck Chainsaw
Every guy thinks that every girls' dream is to find the perfect guy ...pshh, every girls' dream is to eat without getting fat.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this shit is not what I expected.
Clip from the CMA Awards
